Due Date Anniversaries & Hope

The day before the 4th of July- a day of planning fun activities & time with friends & family celebrating the freedom we’ve been given. I love all of those things, but for me, today holds A little more than holiday planning.

Today is the anniversary of my first baby’s due date. If she had come into this world, she would have turned 2 today. Her name is Ezra. Her name means “my help” & becoming pregnant with her changed my heart & my life, even though hers was so short lived. She helped my heart come to life in a powerful way. The mama heart that rose up in me was filled with a joy & fierceness like I’d never felt. Even though I didn’t get to hold her, I still miss her. She made me a mama.

Miscarriages are such a hidden grief. Most people don’t ever see them. There are few “symptoms” that show what a mama is walking through. What I am so incredibly thankful for is the presence of Jesus & how he sees every place in my heart than no one else does. When most have forgotten what happened or never knew in the first place, He sees & grieves with me. He comforts hurts that no one else knows are there. He is “El Roi”: “the God who Sees me”. He sees every hidden hurt, every tear of grief & heartache. He not only sees, but he is so very near. His presence is what is promised in heart ache “he is near to the broken hearted” (Ps 34:18). 

I can recall countless times over the last three & a half years & three losses, where I felt his arms tight around me & His hands pulling me into His chest as I cried out my grief. I felt his pleasure pour over me as I heard the negative report of a doctor & I chose to respond by pressing into Him for comfort & faith to hope again. He is the great Shepherd who knows how to perfectly love & lead us through grief & heart ache.

In every one of my losses, He has been a comforter & healer of my heart like nothing else could come close to being. He is the reason I can look towards the future with fullness of hope & confident expectation of good, despite reoccurrent loss. He is my hope, not an outcome. I can acknowledge this day, missing my sweet girl, but also with peace & hope in my heart that Jesus is still only getting started with my family’s story ❤️

I re-read this post from a few years ago that I wrote as an encouragement for anyone who feels they are waiting on a promise.  I’m sharing the Link Here for anyone who might need a reminder to keep hoping when all you seem to see is desert. Jesus is our treasure there. 🔥

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