Madison This past weekend my heart had another opportunity to make a decision in the face of disappointment and Father so faithfully helped me rise above it. I want to encourage any of you who may be feeling disappointment that you too, can rise above it. It doesn’t have to hold you back from joy & hope. I made the decision this past weekend to take another pregnancy test. I’m pretty used to the drill now and often I just by pass the test completely and wait. Sometimes its easier not to have to stare a “Not pregnant” in the face. I took a test this time because we were again, believing this was our month.
I took the test and started to put on my make up while I waited for the result. I was pressing into Jesus and making sure my heart was centered on him before seeing any result. I was telling Him good morning, centering my heart around His love and thanking Him for His plan for our family, regardless of what this test said. As I looked over to read the result, it only took a split second to know what it was telling me. There were two lines of words, not one.
Not
Pregnant
With out even deciphering the words, I knew that two lines of letters meant “not this time”. I’ve heard that in some form or another 19 times now. Father has brought my heart so far in this journey: I don’t fall apart anymore. I don’t doubt my Father’s heart towards me. I don’t wonder if He’s making me wait because something is wrong with my heart. I don’t feel overcome with sadness or frustration. My heart isn’t hard or bitter. My heart is hopeful every.single.month. Father has shown me that He has made me brave enough to continue in hope regardless of the number of failures. What I did feel was disappointment. I’ve learned in this journey that I don’t have to be embarrassed if I feel disappointment. I used to feel ashamed of it, but it isn’t something to be ashamed of. You can be full of faith and still feel some disappointment. Faith isn’t denying the desires of your heart, and the disappointment you feel when those desires aren’t fulfilled. Faith is simply denying the disappointment the ability to remain in you and make you entertain lies about your future, yourself or your heavenly Father. Disappointment doesn’t have to mean despair.
I felt the disappointment and I knew I had to acknowledge. I said out loud “Father, I’m not mad. I trust you. I just feel disappointed.” I felt a knot welling up in my heart – almost like I wanted to cry but it wasn’t quite there. I swallowed the knot and kept getting ready for the day. I went downstairs to the kitchen and started cooking my breakfast – egg whites and a handful of spinach every day! I made my coffee and I took my plate and mug into the room where I sit with Jesus in the mornings. I normally run into this room – my spirit can’t wait to be still with Him- but today I felt a little drag walking in. I sat down on the sofa, pulled out my Bible and put it in my lap, unopened. I could feel the knot still sitting in my heart – the disappointment. I still felt it. I thought confessing it would help it go away but the knot felt the same in the room where I sit with Jesus as it did in the bathroom. I knew if I ignored it, if I swept it under the rug, it would be a barrier to my heart’s ability to receive from Him that morning. I didn’t want that. I sat there and prayed “Holy Spirit, help me. Show me what to do” Let me tell you, the Holy Spirit is the most faithful friend! I sat in silence for a few seconds and then immediately into my spirit came a song I hadn’t sung in a long time. With out even consciously remembering all the verses, Holy Spirit brought them to me and I began to sing a loud:
** my heart’s focus shifted to all the wonders of His hands – including the future child he would craft for me. Disappointment began to shrink and hope began to rise again. I felt the exchange.
And my heart continued to sing aloud…
** my heart’s focus shifted to the cross. Any remaining disappointment vanished at the sight of it. You cannot look at the cross and feel disappointment. You cannot look at the cross and stay focused on self. You can only look at the cross and feel overwhelmed with thankfulness. It is life. It is victory over past, present and future. It is hope. The very thing I’ve cried out for is what Father gave up for me. He gave me Jesus, and He is not unfamiliar with pain. Now, all I can see is His love, grace and mercy.
And my heart declared…
** my heart’s focus shifted to the worthiness of King Jesus. When we live from a place of constant mindfulness of His worthiness of our lives laid down, we will feel the joy set before us even in suffering. Jesus is worthy of my love being uninhibited by any disappointment in every season. He is worthy of me laying down disappointment and taking up His joy.
And my heart SHOUTED…
I was shouting, arms stretched wide and tears streaming down my cheeks. The tears that I thought might fall from disappointment were now falling because of thankfulness. I was so overwhelmed by the greatness and goodness of Jesus that there was no way disappointment could dwell in me. I saw a picture in my heart of me kneeling down in front of Jesus holding out to Him what looked like black rubbish in my hands. I knew it was disappointment. He smiled that matchless beautiful smile at me and held out His hands with sparkling gold in them. I knew He was saying “Let’s trade”. Instantly what was black in my hands became gold. Instantly disappointment became hope and joy.
That is what Jesus does for us sweet friends. He doesn’t ask us to deny disappointment. He just asks us not to ignore it. He asks us to bring it to Him. “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28). That’s one of the divine exchanges we have access to in Him– trading burden for rest; mourning for joy; disappointment for hope. It happens as we take our eyes off of ourselves and put them on Jesus and who He is for us.
Friends, maybe you have some rubbish in your hands you’ve been holding onto. It could be disappointment, weariness, bitterness, the need for understanding, etc. Maybe you didn’t even realize it was there (that happens more often then we like to admit!). Its time to make an exchange. Look at Jesus. His eyes are locked on yours, He is smiling that smile that undoes you, he is holding out your treasure, and he is saying “let’s trade.” Give Him your rubbish. Trade your disappointment, your weariness, your loneliness, your shame, your need to understand and receive the treasure of divine joy, hope, rest and peace. It is all there for you in Him. Its as simple as surrender. When you make that trade, you’ll feel the exchange take place. Your soul will see it- “My savior, my God, How great thou art.”
I’m praying you feel that exchange taking place even now as you finish this post and close your eyes to see Jesus. What is He holding out to trade you? It is a treasure with a name. Take hold of His hands and receive it.